It's been some time since I've blogged, no reason really other than I haven't felt like I had anything of significance to say. Not sure if what I will say today is of any significance or not but I am feeling prompted by God to be obedient and I want so much to be obedient to His calling in the "BIG things" so I need to be obedient in the "small things" as well.
I just returned from my second trip to Honduras to serve and work with Open Doors Ministries there, and also with My Brothers Keeper Ministries. The trip was amazing! Life changing! Inspiring! An Answer to Prayer! Healing! and so much more.
I have to give you some background to understand how I got to right now! Here goes something:
For the past few months I have felt alone, isolated, abandoned by God, I know He wasn't pulling away it was all me. I can't even pinpoint the exact moment it happened it just sorta started and rather than drop to my knees in prayer, I sat by and allowed it to happen. I caused friction in relationships, disillusion in ministry, and helplessness in everything. I felt alone, misunderstood, under appreciated, and abandoned. No matter what I tried it wasn't working! Then the depression started to creep in. I wasn't ready to end everything, but I knew that I wasn't feeling like my typical self. I was doing an okay job of faking it, and putting on the smile like everything was okay but it wasn't.
The couple of weeks leading up to the trip were busy, and so I continued to push it off, this feeling. It wasn't until we were on the plane to Honduras that I let my self think about it, and pray! It was superficial at first, but that's a great thing about God, He can take our ramblings and use them to bring Him glory. All through out our time in Honduras He spoke healing to my heart! Through the smiles and hugs and laughter of the children in the Orphanage and at the girls home. Even at the feeding station.
We arrived late Friday Night and checked into our hotel and tried to sleep. I was restless most of the night! I heard every little sound. It was not a good start, but God has a funny way of using even those annoyances to show His glory . We met for breakfast, devotions, and were on the long drive to Tocoa before 7:30 am. When Saturday night came I was worn out! (that's not good the first day!) As I journal ed and prayed that night I read Psalm 119: 33-40 and wrote this as my prayer:
God, Teach Me lessons for living so that I can stay the course. Give me insight so I can do what You tell me- my whole life one long obedient response. Guide Me down the road of your commandments: I love traveling this freeway! Give me a bent for your words of wisdom, and not for piling up loot. Divert my eyes from toys and trinkets. Invigorate me on the pilgrim way. Affirm your promises to me-promises made to all who fear you. Deflect the harsh words of my critics-but what you say is always so good. See how hungry I am for your counsel; preserve my life through your righteous ways!
This was the first step in bringing healing to my heart. Each day God continued to healing, and I know He is not done yet! His Word, His truth and getting out of the way was the catalyst for healing. All long the time there God was healing me, and showing me only I was to blind to see it completely! Several more things happened during my time there that I know was God directed for me to see and know He heard the ramblings of my heart and mind and He was there!
Our last day in Tocoa was the most powerfully I felt God! To start that morning a few of us got to tour Dr. Ivan's private hospital and then his wife, Lesbiea prayed for each one of us individually, and even though it was in Spanish it was as if my heart knew exactly what she was saying. I could feel God working through her touch on my heart and my head as she prayed. The tears falling were like the toxic thoughts and feelings leaving my body. I felt like that whole day I was on the verge of tears. That night when it was time for us to leave Tocoa, we were saying our good byes and as a team we were asked to pray for the pastor and his wife, she was feeling alone, tired,etc... just like I was. Our leader Deb pushed me gently to the front to lay hands on them both and pray! I am not sure what words were spoken I only know that at that moment I felt God holding me and them in His hands, whispering I got you! I love you, you are not alone! Tears streaming down my face, thankfully it was dark and I didn't have to explain to anyone what it was about because I don't think I could!
Through out the rest of our time in Honduras my eyes were slowly being opened to reveal more of Gods truth, more healing, and that leads me to today.
We had some missionaries that spoke at church this morning. They spoke on the parable of the Seed from Matthew 13: 3-8, 18-23 . It was the perfect ending to my mission trip and last day before I return to work and getting back to life. He titled his talk the Parable of the Soil. He talked about the different kinds of soil, the sower, and the seed.
The Sower = Jesus was the original/ first we are now the sower
The Seed= Gods Word, Telling others Sharing the Gospel
The Soil= The heart condition of the one hearing it
He reminded us to be faithful, keep on sowing the seed! It's not up to us to save just sow, God will do the saving!
During the Sunday School hour both missions teams (Chicago, and Honduras) shared about their experiences and from all of this,
I heard God clearly tell me my Mission Field is here, where I am now!
You see I have been saying for the past several years that once our youngest graduates we (my husband and I) will go be missionaries somewhere, Africa maybe, Honduras, who knows but I thought it would be away from what we know, and that may still be the case. I don't know! But I do know that God does and that in His time He will reveal it to us. For now I am to be a sower of seeds where I am! The foreign missions are important, going to other places is important, and if called I will go obediently. But when I am home here in Augusta I can and should be being a missionary right here! Sow seeds! Let God worry about the Saving!
God has given me a heart for girls and women's ministries and I need to follow through on being obedient to that! Sowing seeds into the lives of the girls and women He puts before me.
This blog will be one way I can do that by sharing my heart, my struggles, my weaknesses, as well as my victories, through Christs leading in my life.
Sower of Seeds